Apologies, first, to any gorillas who may have been watching. It was not our intention to give your species a bad name. The same goes for baboons and any orang-utans with televisions or access to the internet. In fact, to all simians, we apologise.
Apologies, too, to the management of the cafe for any damage we may have caused to your tables and chairs. Please bill us.
Apologies to all those who happened to be walking or driving by at the time. We realise we may have frightened you. We are truly sorry for any alarm or distress we caused, or for creating the impression that Jackie Chan was back in town shooting another movie.
To the people we threw the chair at. Sorry. To the people we punched. Sorry. And to that one guy we punched over and over and over, we apologise. Whatever the medical expenses, please send them on.
We apologise to those still wondering, "What were they thinking?". You have every right to think that. The answer is: we weren′t. Thinking, that is.
We apologise for not having the common sense to know that if you turn up to a city courthouse in support of people who have been arrested and charged for being members of a terrorist group and for conspiring to commit mass murder of innocent people in the name of some deranged, psychopathic belief system that has nothing whatsoever to do with the teachings of Islam, then the media is probably going to take an interest.
We apologise for not figuring out that by merely turning up we were automatically making ourselves part of the hottest news story of the year. As part of the so-called "information generation", we should have understood intuitively what the act of showing up meant.
We apologise for the violence we were involved in and for behaving in such a manner in front of people with cameras and notepads and all manner of recording equipment. We apologise for being so incalculably stupid.
We apologise for not realising how this was going to play on television and in the papers. We apologise for not realising that bigots and racists might now use these images to justify their prejudices. We apologise for offering sustenance to such hatreds.
We apologise for not having thought any of this through. It would have taken all of five minutes to realise the media were likely to follow us, surround us, shove cameras at us, get in our faces, take pictures of our faces and then continue following us. We should have seen it coming and we should have been prepared
We apologise that it all could have been so easily avoided. If we didn′t want to say anything, all we had to do was just keep saying "no comment". Our plan should have been to just keep walking, like the INXS song says. If we′d have done that for just another block or two we would have shaken the media off and none of this would have happened. We are sorry it did.
We apologise to our workmates who apparently don′t want to work with us any more and who have denounced us. Really, who can blame them?
We apologise to Safeway and Woolworths for dragging their names into this mess. They are usually known for stocktake sales, not street fighting. We apologise for any embarrassment our behaviour has caused them.
Most of all, though, we wish to apologise to the people of the Muslim community, against whom we have committed the gravest offence.
We wish it known that we are in no way representative of the Muslim community, which is made up of decent, hard-working, law-abiding, peace-loving people.
The members of the Muslim community the world over are having a hard enough time as it is dealing with bigotry. Where bus drivers refuse to stop for women in headscarves. Where people move away from people of Middle Eastern appearance at bus stops and on train platforms. Where people even steer clear of babies in prams pushed by Muslim women.
With all this going on, the last thing the Muslim community needed was footage of us punching on like drunken meat-heads before the nation (see Fig. 1). We acknowledge how our behaviour may have served to deepen existing prejudice. For that, we deeply apologise.
We plead with everybody not to draw any association whatsoever between what we did and the good people of the Muslim community. Any disgrace or shame arising from our conduct is ours, and ours alone.
We offer all these apologies voluntarily, without reservation and in complete humility. We hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive us for behaving in such an appalling and uncivilised manner.
We promise to do our best to become better people.