A Palestinese Lexicon

Aboriginal/Native: Any non-Jew, preferably Arab, who has immigrated to Israel/Palestine within the last 150 years or is a remnant of Arab colonial conquests. For example, Yasser Arafat and Edward Said who were both born in Egypt are “Native” Palestinians.

Apartheid: The only system in the Middle East which is democratic and grants Arab citizens full equality under the law, including the right to become a Justice of the Supreme Court, an ambassador, a militaryofficer or a Minister in the Cabinet., i.e. a form of “Racism.” Not to be confused with the widespread discrimination and exclusion of Palestinians on ethnic grounds in Lebanon, which is not “Apartheid.”

Apartheid Wall: A separation fence erected in response to countless terror attacks in order to protect both Jews and Muslims from suicide bombings as a manifestation of “Zionist Aggression.”

Checkpoint: An absolutely gratuitous, cruel and malicious security measure erected in the West Bank in response to years of deadly suicide bombings, to be equated with the worst forms of human torture. Not to be confused with security checkpoints at airports and international borders which, though identical in the inconveniences they cause, are perfectly acceptable.

Civilian: An armed Palestinian terrorist in the act of planning or staging a terror attack who is targeted or killed by Israel.

Concession: The state that should perpetually be inhabited by Israel as part of “Peace.”

Collaborator: Any Palestinian who is murdered by Fatah or Hamas for espousing beliefs that fall short of unbending hatred of “Zionists.” Not to be confused with “Martyr.” E.g., Hamid was thrown off of a building for criticizing Hamas’ inadequate maintenance of Gaza’s sewer system; he was a “Collaborator.”

Compassion: A human weakness to be exploited through lies and fabrications in order to demonize Israel. E.g., “Zionists” kill puppies for fun.

Day of Rage: Friday.

Demonstration: The violent rioting by Palestinian mobs including the throwing of stones and Molotov cocktails at soldiers and civilians and the firing of machine guns granted to Palestinians pursuant to “Peace” accords. In any other context, the peaceful distribution by vegans of leaflets printed on hemp paper.

Ethnic Cleansing: The act by which Israel offered Arab people citizenship in the midst of a genocidal war waged by Arab leaders in 1948, has given its Arab citizens full democratic rights and enabled its Arab population to thrive and grow at a rate faster than the Jewish majority. E.g., the sprawling Israeli-Arab town of Umm al Fahm is proof of “Ethnic Cleansing” by Israel.

Equal Rights: “Rights” that are to be acquired for Palestinians, by violence if necessary, and denied to Jews.

Fact: Palestinese term for “inconvenient truth.” I.e., it is a “Fact” that there has never been a Palestinian state in the history of the world.

Fascist: Anyone who questions the Palestinians’ exclusive historical claims. Interchangeable with the term Orientalist.

Flotilla: An assemblage of 400 armed Turkish Jihadis singing about their dream of “Martyrdom” and 4 confused, elderly “Jewish” women who thought they were on a cruise to Fort Lauderdale. Also, a “Human Rights” stunt.

Frustration: Murderous anti-Semitism that directly precedes “Resistance.”

Starvation/Humanitarian Catastrophe: With respect to Gaza, the state of having food and all necessary supplies provided by daily Israeli deliveries, the exporting of produce to foreign markets and the building of luxury hotels.

Genocide: The deliberate campaign by “Zionists” to exterminate Palestinian Arabs which has resulted in the explosion of the Palestinian population from just 6 to 700, 000 in 1948 to over 6 million today, including over one million Israeli Palestinians represented in the Israeli parliament.

History: Whatever set of changing fictions is needed to promote the present set of “Palestinian” claims.

Holocaust: The excessively documented albeit entirely fabricated industrial mass murder of European Jewry that was aided by Palestinian nationalist leader Haj Amin Husseini but never happened. Also, the plight of Palestinians.

Human Rights: The religiously uncritical devotion to Palestinian narratives that misuses language associated with the “Holocaust” in order to demonize the Jewish state and prevent peoples in real need throughout the world from getting the attention or redress that they deserve. Also, the political philosophy that is not applicable to Arab states and aims to criticize only America and Israel. E.g., “”Human Rights” prevent me as an NGO head from paying attention to genocide in the Congo lest disapproval of Israel abate temporarily.”

Humiliation: What masses of Palestinians feel as a result of Israel doing absolutely nothing wrong and that leads to the holding of a “Demonstration.”

Jerusalem: An Occupied Arab capital and central focal point of Arab culture and aspirations for 3000 years, despite the fact that — unlike Cordoba, Baghdad, Damascus, Mecca, Cairo, Timbuktu or Dearborn Michigan — it was never an Arab capital or central focal point of Arab culture. Also, an area absolutely bereft of any significance to Jewish people or Jewish history. See also Bethlehem, Rachel’s Tomb, Hebron, Shiloh and the Brown Derby Deli.

Jews: People who descend from Khazzar Turkic peoples and have no connection whatsoever to ancient Judeans or Israelites who were in fact “Palestinians.” Also, the group of people that supplies Palestinian propaganda with its theories, mouthpieces and arguments.  E.g. Norman Finkelstein is a “Jew”; Ehud Barak is not a “Jew”.

Jordan: A state populated in majority by Palestinians that was created to be a Palestinian Arab state and where most Palestinians even in the West Bank held citizenship, and that has absolutely no relevance to the issue of Palestinian self-determination. E.g., it is “Racist” to suggest that Jordan should play a role in governing the “West bank” or solving the issue of “Palestinian Statelessness.”

Judaism: An abstract concept of liberal, pro-Palestinian ethics that is no way tied to 3500 years of Jewish history on the land of Israel. Not to be confused with the religion of Jesus or the Prophets who were, of course, “Palestinian.” 

Judea: A made up political term for the territory known since classical antiquity as “the West Bank.”

Justice: The immediate and unquestioning surrender to every perpetually expanding Palestinian demand, however unreasonable, baseless or insulting.

Land for Peace: The process by which a country, e.g., Israel, is deprived of both land and peace.

Martyr: Any person who dies while killing or attempting to kill “Zionist” civilians having a picnic.

Massacre: Any imagined or real, accidental or deliberately caused death of one or more Palestinian terrorists in an armed fight usually started by said terrorists. Also, every act of Jewish self defense, ever. Usually found in a string of terms given as an answer by Saeb Erakat to any question by a reporter even on Entertainment Tonight, i.e., “…struggle, checkpoint, massacre, guns breed guns, bullets breed bullets…. Angelina Jolie has lost too much weight because of the “Occupation.”

Occupation: The perpetual state of Palestinian politics, regardless of the total absence of Israeli soldiers in certain Palestinian areas, and an excuse for every single Palestinian excess including public domesticviolence and high cholesterol. Is characterized by the fact that 96% of Palestinians are governed by their own elected leaders.

Occupied: The state of any geographic area populated by Zionists, preferably an area with a long, undisputed Jewish History. For example, the Western Wall and Temple Mount in “Jerusalem” are “Occupied,” Ramat Aviv Gimmel is “Occupied.” Also, the perpetual state of the Gaza strip which has not a single “Zionist” in it.

Oppression: Jewish self-determination and any reminders thereof. E.g. a border control between Gaza and Israel is “Oppression.” Also, anything that a Palestinian activist doesn’t like. E.g., that Hamas lost the war it caused in 2009 is a form of “Oppression.”

Palestinian: A European construct that is shorthand for the eternal victim and a symbol for every sexy cause and/or Hollywood hero. Also, a convenient object of self-serving and narcissitic leftist pity, summer “Activism” internships and the expiating of Holocaust guilt. Not to be confused with:

Palestinian: A Palestinese term for an ancient Arabic people that suddenly materialized in the twentieth century but counts among its members patriotic Jews living on the land of Israel millennia ago. For example, Jesus, a Judean Rabbi, was a “Palestinian.” Also used for objects: the Dead Sea Scrolls are “Palestinian” artifacts.*

Palestinian State: A geographic and political entity that is to live side by side as well as over and instead of the “Zionist Entity.” Also, the answer to all of life’s ills including international terrorism and ring around the collar.

Palestinian Statelessness: Even if not entirely true, the most urgent and pressing issue facing mankind – ever. Though the direct result of Arab refusal to accept the UN partition plan and the rejection of every subsequent Israeli peace offer, it is entirely the product of “Zionist Aggression.” Was somehow irrelevant from 1948 to 1967 when “Jordan” occupied the “West Bank.”

Peace: The process by which Israel voluntarily ethnically cleanses every last Jewish person from territory with deep Jewish significance that it won in a defensive war in exchange for increased terrorism, demonization, European and Turkish meddling and summits at the White House.

Peace Activist: Alternatively, Turkish Jihadists known for supporting Al Qaeda or misguided Westerners to be used as fig leaves for Jihad.

Peoplehood: The state of every grouping of individuals that share a history, language, culture and geographic origin, except when they are Jewish.

Propaganda: Any documented historical fact that supports the Zionist perspective.

Racism: Any expression of Jewish will that is not a parroting of Palestinian claims. For example, it is racism to insist on teaching the Holocaust.

Racist: The state of any act, event, person or thing that accepts in any way, tacit or explicit, the existence of Israel or interrupts albeit temporarily the world’s obsessive preoccupation with Palestinians’ claims. For example, a moment of silence to commemorate the loss of athletes murdered by PLO terrorists in 1972 is “Racist.” Cherry tomatoes are “Racist.” Also, an adjective which is always appropriate before any word, whether referring to an object, abstract concept, medical device or person who is related to “Zionists,” e.g., the racist pill-cam that saved my mother in law’s life was made in the “Zionist Entity” by “War Criminals.”

Real Jew: Any person with a long, Eastern European-sounding family name (ideally ending with ‘Y’) and who is vocally anti-Zionist.  E.g., although the “Holocaust” is a fiction stemming from “Zionist Aggression,” kapos were “Real Jews.”

Refugee: Any Arab anywhere in the world who claims that one of his relatives was forced to leave Israel as a result of a war started by Arabs despite pleas to the contrary from the nascent State of Israel in 1948. Jews who were expelled from Arab states in 1948 as a result of the same war are not to be included in this term.

Resistance: The act of deliberately murdering (unarmed) Israeli school children or other innocents in restaurants, buses, nurseries or other areas or the firing of rockets onto elderly people without provocation. E.g., massacring 11 Israeli athletes who were napping in their rooms at the Munich Olympics was “Resistance.”

Right: Any Palestinian demand.  This term does not apply to Jews.

State of Israel: A “Racist” term for the “Zionist Entity.”

Terrorism: Recently, the attack on Egyptian soldiers by Palestinians; when suffered by “Zionists,” a fictitious and “Racist” concept.

Two State Solution: A political plan that is to result in a Palestinian state and another Palestinian State. Also, a project that has been proven to not be realistic or have much of a chance of success in ending the conflict and therefore is the only solution that can ever be discussed.

War Crimes: Any historically documented act of Israeli non-aggression. For example, the transforming by “Zionists” of desert lands into watermelon patches is a “War Crime.”

War Criminal: Any “Zionist” who is about to get airtime or give a speech at Berkeley or Concordia universities. For example, Bar Refaeli is a “War Criminal.”

Western Wall: An appendage to the Haram el Sharif in Jerusalem, with no significance to Jews, except that it was the Prophet Mohammed’s parking spot for his horse al Buraq.

Zionism: The inchoate and indefinable global movement for evil that is the cause of all of the ills plaguing the Arab world since 1300 AD including Mauritania, Southern Yemen and Malmo, Sweden, and, conveniently, also the cause of the meltdown of the Western financial system. Expressed by such pernicious phenomena as the credit crisis of 2008, slow Syrian internet connections and trained sharks operating as spies off of the Egyptian coast.

Zionist: A catchall umbrella term for all villains everywhere, throughout history, in any field of human endeavor, even if they actively opposed Zionism; also, synonym of Jew that must never be acknowledged as such. For example, Vanilla Ice was a “Zionist”; Bashar Assad was a hero until he started to massacre his own population at which point he became a “Zionist”; Hitler was a “Zionist” although he did nothing wrong because the “Holocaust” never happened, although it is happening to Palestinians today.

Zionist Aggression: The response, after ample warning, to unprovoked “Resistance” against unarmed women and children and/or any act of self-defense when carried out by Jews. E.g., it is “Zionist Aggression” that the Israel police officer shot a Palestinian terrorist attempting to run over carpooling Israelis with his bulldozer.

Zionist Entity: A colonial, illegitimate and evil collection of people which, as a form of “Propaganda” and “Racism,” regularly produces scientific breakthroughs and supermodels that alleviate human suffering and improve life everywhere.